Why do I write so publicly?

Couldn't I just journal instead?

I met a long-time friend for dinner two weeks ago, and we had lots of catching up to do. I told her about this Substack, and explained that I knew I couldn’t start to heal from the trauma associated with leaving my old church and the greater evangelical community until I wrote about it. I talked about the benefits of placing some posts behind a paywall, and how that freed me to be honest about my struggles.

My friend, always thoughtful and reflective rather than reactive (like me), asked, “Couldn’t you have simply written about it without making it public?”

Immediately, I said, “No. That wouldn’t do it.”

And then, as I often do, I spent the next week pondering my answer. I still stand by it—but why? What compels me to do this? What makes me think my words need to be out there? (And why can’t I shut up about controversial things?)

Sorry to bring this up again, but can it be explained simply by personality? Do I write challenging pieces because I’m an Enneagram 8 / Challenger? Is that just how I’m wired?

Years ago, I listened to a podcast with Nadia Bolz-Weber, in which she was talking about putting herself out there. Many of her writings have been controversial, or at least challenging to readers in their pointed honesty. I’m paraphrasing here, but she said something to the effect of being willing to step off the curb first to show that it is safe for others to cross the street. I couldn’t find an exact quote from that conversation, but she did say this in Religion & Politics, 2015:

“So the purpose of me saying these things that are always confessional,
is to open the space where other people can step into the truth for themselves. So if I say something confessional … it’s like, ‘Okay, screw it, I’ll go first.’ I’ll be the one to say how
this is a problem for me … as an invitation.”

That has always resonated with me, and I’m sure that’s part of why I write what I do.

I want other people to be affirmed, to know that they are not the only ones who feel a certain way. I hope that my writing will help validate or express thoughts others can’t put into words. When I’m struggling, I want to focus my pain and use it in service of helping someone else heal.

Yeah, I know: Lofty goal. But I’m here to try.

So that’s part of the reason that journaling isn’t enough for me. I used to journal a lot, because I found writing to be a way to process what I’m thinking. I tend to journal in seasons in which I feel a nudge to pay attention and document it. I tend to write publicly when I feel like all that journaling prepared me “for such a time as this.”